I Want to Talk to You but I Dont Know What to Say

I've e'er been uncomfortable talking to people I don't know well.

But over the years, I've learned exactly what to do whenever I find myself thinking, "I don't know what to say."

First of all: If you lot're wondering, "Is it normal to accept nada to talk about?" the reply is "Yeah!" I used to have similar worries, and I believed there was something wrong with me.

It turned out that I simply needed to learn some strategies to deal with those moments when my listen goes bare. Y'all see, social skills aren't something nosotros're born with. They're merely that: skills. They tin be adept and improved.

Here are my tricks for how to know what to say, even when you don't know what to say.

1. Memorize some universal questions

"I don't know what to practise afterwards I say hullo. What do I say to open a conversation?"

When you've merely met someone, you need to make pocket-size talk. Recollect of modest talk as a warm-upwards do that paves the way for more than interesting discussions after. But how do yous start a chat?

These are the questions I e'er take in the back of my caput, set to go whenever I need something to say. (Just knowing they are there every bit a rubber net makes me experience more than relaxed.)

Don't fire them off all at once. Use them when a topic dies out.

The questions:

1. "How exercise you know the other people here?"
2. "Where are you lot from?"
3. "What brings you here?"
4. "What do you lot do?"

(See my guide on how to start a conversation for more opening lines and advice on how to have more to say when chatting to new people.)

These questions are open, meaning that they encourage the other person to give a more in-depth answer than "Yes" or "No."

Be conscientious not to overflowing the other person with questions. You don't want to interrogate them. It'southward important that yous share an equal amount of information almost yourself. This leads me to the next tip.

2. Switch between sharing and asking questions

"Why don't I know what to say later on someone replies to my questions? It's hard for me to go on a conversation flowing without feeling as though I'1000 interrogating the other person."

Ever come across someone who constantly asks questions? Annoying.

Or someone who NEVER asks questions? Self-absorbed.

For years, I wondered how to find a residuum between talking about myself and asking questions.

Nosotros don't want to constantly ask questions, nor do we want to constantly talk about ourselves. The IFR method is all virtually finding that balance. Hither it is:

Inquire: Enquire a sincere question.

Follow upwards: Enquire a follow-upwardly question.

Relate: Share something well-nigh yourself that relates to what the other person just said.

Yous can then repeat the sequence to proceed the conversation going.

Here's an example. The other day, I was talking to someone who turned out to be a filmmaker. Hither's how the conversation went:

Inquire: What kind of documentaries do y'all brand?

She: Right at present, I'm doing a motion picture on bodegas in New York Urban center.

Follow up: Oh, interesting. What's your takeaway so far?

She: That well-nigh all bodegas seem to accept cats!

Relate: Haha, I've noticed that. The one adjacent to where I live has a cat who always sits on the counter.

And so I inquired once again, repeating the IFR sequence:

Inquire: Are you a cat person?

Try to brand the conversation become back and forth similar that. The pattern goes like this: they talk a bit about themselves, nosotros talk about ourselves, then nosotros let them talk over again, and and then on.

Discover that when you use the IFR method, information technology's easier to come upwards with things to say.

1. If y'all find yourself thinking, "I don't know what to say" afterward you've asked someone a question, follow up on what you just asked.
2. If you don't know what to say after you've asked a follow-up question, say something related to what you lot just asked.
3. If you don't know what to say when y'all've related to someone'south answer, inquire near what yous've just said.

iii. Focus all your attention on the chat

"I don't know what to say in conversations considering I get and then worried about what the other person is thinking of me. How do y'all think of something to say when you're in this situation?"

When therapists work with shy people, people with social anxiety, and others who completely lock upward in conversations, they use a technique chosen Shift of Attentional Focus. They instruct their clients to focus all their attending on the chat they're having, rather than thinking about how they come across and what they should say next.^{[ i ]}

(It'south hard, especially in the beginning, but gets surprisingly easy with some practise.)

Participants who focused on the conversation rather than themselves felt less anxious.^[2]

Here's how to exercise this in exercise:

Say that you ask someone how their week was. They reply, "I went to Paris with my friends final weekend. It was great!"

Here's what I would have thought before I learned about this method:

"Oh, she's been to Paris! I've never been at that place. She'll probably call up I'yard boring. Should I tell her about that time I went to Thailand? No, that'southward stupid. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY!"

And so on.

Merely if you use the Shift of Attentional Focus technique, you constantly move your thoughts dorsum to the conversation.

Let's Actually focus on what she just said. What questions might we come up upward with to motion the conversation forrard?

• What was Paris like?
• How long was she in that location?
• Is she jet-lagged?
• How many friends did she go with?

You don't accept to fire off all these questions. The idea is to give the other person your full attention and permit your natural marvel come with things to ask. You tin then cull which questions would be most suitable for the conversation.

Reread her answer to a higher place and see if you lot can come up upward with even more questions.

4. Continue the chat centered on the other person

Another thing yous can do to come with things to say is to stop trying to come up with chat topics. I know this sounds weird, so let me show you what I mean.

Of class, if you're already feeling nervous, it might non be and then easy to but "relax and stop worrying nearly it." But in that location's a trick that yous can attempt.

Shift the chat over to the other person past asking sincere questions. This keeps the conversations going, and as it moves forward, you tin throw in small facts about yourself that you feel comfortable sharing.

For example, if the topic of piece of work comes upward, you can inquire basic questions similar:

• "Is your piece of work stressful?"
• "How well do you like your job?"
• "What exactly exercise you do at your job?"
• "What exercise you want to be doing in 5 years?"
• "Is the visitor practiced to work for?"
• "Why did yous pick that career?"

These Why, What, How questions can be used in a conversation about whatever topic. Intermission up the questions by sharing a lilliputian bit almost yourself every at present and and so, as I described in the IFR method section.

Here's our guide for how to take a conversation without asking too many questions.

5. Bound back to a previous topic

"I don't know how to respond when a chat starts drying upwardly. It feels really awkward and embarrassing. How practice you lot talk when y'all have null to say?"

One of my favorite methods to know what to say is Conversational Threading. It's not merely helpful for standing your conversations merely also makes them more dynamic.

In brusk, Conversational Threading relies on the fact that your interactions don't have to be linear.

For example, if you've exhausted the electric current topic, y'all tin can always bound back to something yous've talked virtually earlier.

If your friend mentioned that they saw a movie last weekend, and so the chat moves on to, say, work, and so the work topic dies out, you can say:

"By the way, y'all said that y'all saw a movie last weekend, was it good?"

Here'south a video that explains conversational threading with a real-world conversation:

half dozen. View silence in conversations as something good

Frequently, I didn't know what to say because:

1. There was a silence in the chat.
2. I panicked and froze upwardly.
3. I couldn't come up up with annihilation to say because I was nervous.

My friend, a coach and behavioral scientist, fabricated me realize something powerful: Silence is not necessarily bad-mannered.

I used to think that periods of silence in a conversation was always my error and that I had to "set it" somehow.

In reality, most conversations contain some silences or long pauses. We tend to interpret that silence as a negative sign, merely it doesn't hateful the chat is going desperately. Rather than bold the worst, apply the moment to take hold of your breath and move forwards from there.

A silence isn't awkward until yous start stressing out near it.

If y'all come up off equally relaxed about silences during a conversation, people around y'all will follow your lead. When you lot experience more relaxed, it's easier to come up up with the next thing to say.

Besides, it's important to know that there can exist many reasons for a break in a conversation.

Reasons like:

• The other person is nervous too.
• The conversation would benefit from a silent moment in which you can both exhale earlier carrying on.
• One of you is having an off day and doesn't feel similar talking much, which is okay!

Remember this: As two people go to know each other, they are more comfortable sharing moments of silence.

LESSON LEARNED: Exercise beingness comfortable with silence rather than trying to eliminate information technology. It takes the pressure off you and makes knowing what to say easier.

vii. Challenge your inner disquisitional vox

"I'm quiet because I don't know what to say. It feels like anybody else is and so much more than socially skilled than me."

Being a self-conscious introvert, I would often exaggerate and overdramatize social situations in my head.

I'd feel like people were judging me for "failing at having a skilful conversation" whenever I'd say something "stupid." Sure, people do judge the states based on what nosotros say, as well as how we say it. Merely they probably don't guess usa one-half as harshly equally nosotros estimate ourselves.

And so don't get stuck thinking almost that one wrong thing you've said v minutes ago because even if the other person did notice it, they probably didn't think anything of information technology.

In reality, nearly of our blunders go by completely unnoticed by others because they are often only every bit nervous and worried every bit we are about how they come across.

Changing your self-talk can make you lot more confident and believe more in yourself.

People who went through training aimed at changing the way they talked to themselves started believing more in themselves.^[3]

Exercise beingness realistic by doing the post-obit:

• Every day, remind yourself that everyone gets nervous. Nosotros all have moments when our negative thoughts accept over, like "Argh, I can't talk to people!" or "Why do I feel similar I have naught to say?"
• Remind yourself that people intendance as little about your hiccups equally you care about theirs.
• Remember that just because you lot think that people will judge y'all negatively doesn't mean that they volition.
• Realize that if you lot are naturally quiet, that'south fine. Beingness placidity is a normal personality trait, and at that place'due south no need to force yourself to be more outgoing. Nevertheless, if you desire to learn how to be more talkative, read this guide on how to terminate being serenity.

Identifying and challenging your inner critical voice tin can exist really tricky on your own. Many therapists are experts at helping you identify and overcome your inner critic.

We recommend BetterHelp for online therapy, since they offer unlimited messaging and a weekly session, and is much cheaper than going to an actual therapist's office. They are also cheaper than Talkspace for what you get. You can learn more virtually BetterHelp hither.

8. Know that information technology's OK to make obvious statements

If you lot've always wondered, "How do you concord a practiced conversation?" you might take idea, "Past making other people call up I'm really fascinating and witty!" But when I made friends with socially skilled people, they taught me something central about what to say:

What yous say doesn't demand to be thoughtful, interesting, or make you lot appear smart.

Why?

When people hang out with yous, they normally want to have a adept time. They desire to relax and enjoy themselves. People DON'T want a constant stream of thought-provoking clever remarks. If you attempt to audio smart all the time, they may think you are a endeavor-difficult or only abrasive.

Often, small talk is just fine. Have you EVER judged someone for saying something too simple? I'm guessing not. So why would anyone approximate you?

End trying to say smart things all the time. (You can say smart things when they naturally pop into your head, simply you don't demand to forcefulness them.)

My friend Andreas, for example, is not bad in social settings. He's also a fellow member of Mensa with an IQ of 145. When he talks to people, he says things like:

• "I love the weather condition correct now."
• "Await at the tree over there, information technology's so nice."
• "That car looks cool!"

He doesn't come off as smart for saying smart things, just for being socially savvy.

LESSON LEARNED: When yous stop trying to say smart things, it'southward easier to know what to say because you lot take the pressure off yourself. Say what you want to say, and don't filter yourself too much.

ix. Comment on something around you

If y'all want to know how to always have something to talk about, simply look around y'all!

Looking effectually my workplace right at present, I can see a agglomeration of stuff that could inspire statements, which in plow could start a chat.

For case:

• "I similar those plants."
• "This is overnice music. What band is it?"
• "I similar that painting."

Hither's an practice you can exercise correct now: Wait around you. What can you encounter? What kind of statements could you lot brand to go a chat started?

10. Ask follow-up questions

Cartel to dig deeper into topics you find interesting. Don't be afraid to move beyond surface-level questions. (Make sure you share something about yourself in betwixt the questions and so that the other person doesn't think you lot're a spy.)

How do y'all know when to dig in? By listening carefully!

Hither are some signs you should go beyond surface-level questions and dig more deeply:

• The other person keeps subtly steering the conversation back to the topic.
• You feel a genuine desire to acquire more near the topic.
• You know that asking questions about the topic would lead to a conversation that involves sharing feelings or opinions.

Let's say that someone told you that they work every bit a golf game trainer.

You can dig deeper by asking:

• "What's it like to work as a golf trainer?"
• "What type of clients exercise yous have?"
• "What made you determine to exist a golf trainer in the first identify?"

Naturally, you would take a break between questions to share something about yourself.

Digging deeper also helps you uncover commonalities. Talking virtually what you accept in common will make the conversation more enjoyable for both of you.

11. Give elementary, sincere responses when someone shares a sad story or upsetting news

No guide can tell you how to always know what to say in every type of difficult conversation.

However, it helps to stay calm, bear witness empathy, listen carefully, and offer emotional back up if it'due south advisable.

For example, if someone tells you lot that a close relative has died, you lot could say:

• "It sounds like you've been through a terrible time."
• "I'chiliad so sorry. It's actually hard to lose a loved one."

If you lot know the other person well, yous can add, "I'chiliad here to listen if you want to talk."

Make sure your body linguistic communication matches your words. Maintaining eye contact, nodding slightly, and speaking in a steady tone of voice signals that yous intendance about the other person.

Do not make trivializing comments similar "Everything happens for a reason," considering you volition come across as insensitive.

It's OK to say, "I only need a moment to procedure that" if their news is particularly shocking.

12. Remember "F.O.R.D." when yous run out of things to say

F.O.R.D. stands for:

• Family
• Occupation
• Recreation
• Dreams

This acronym is useful because these topics are relevant to everyone. Even if someone doesn't accept a job or hobbies, y'all tin ask them what they'd similar to do.

Yous can start with a couple of simple, fact-based questions and then dig deeper to learn more about the person you're talking to.

For case:

• "What practise you practice for a living?" is a surface-level "Occupation" question.
• "What's your favorite part of your chore?" is slightly more than meaningful and encourages them to provide more details.
• "Information technology sounds like you've had a great career so far. Is information technology everything y'all hoped information technology would be?" is much more than personal and could motility the conversation to a discussion almost hopes and dreams.

13. Practise some background research earlier going to a social outcome

Thinking of questions and chat topics in accelerate of a social occasion can make it much easier to know what to say.

For example, let's say that you have a friend who works for an architecture firm. They accept invited you to dinner, along with ii of their architect colleagues who you accept never met earlier.

Information technology's very likely that these two people will be happy to talk nigh design, architecture, buildings, and fine art in general. With this in mind, you could prepare questions like:

• "Who's your biggest design inspiration?"
• "What city practise y'all call up has the best architecture?"
• "I'grand taking a trip to Italian republic next year. Which buildings should I brand fourth dimension to encounter?"

Memorizing a few questions can make the conversation a lot smoother.

fourteen. Effort the repeat technique when a conversation starts to flag and you don't know what to say

Even if someone is giving you very brusk, minimal answers, at that place's a quick trick you can utilize to keep the chat live.

Try this: Simply echo the last part of their response using an inquisitive tone of vocalisation.

Example:

You: "What was the best part of your vacation?"

Them: "Probably when I went scuba diving."

Y'all: "Cool. Do you go diving a lot, or was it a new feel?"

Them: "It was kind of a new feel, simply as well non."

Yous [Echoing]: "Besides not?"

Them: "Yep well, I mean I did endeavor diving once a long fourth dimension ago, but it hardly counted because I but spent 10 minutes in the water. What happened was…"

The neat affair about this method is that you don't fifty-fifty take to call up of a new question. They have already given yous every word you need. However, don't apply this trick too often, or you will come off as abrasive.

Testify references +

References

1. Hazen, R. A., Vasey, M. W., & Schmidt, N. B. (2009). Attentional retraining: A randomized clinical trial for pathological worry. Journal of Psychiatric Research, 43(vi), 627–633.
2. Zou, J. B., Hudson, J. L., & Rapee, R. M. (2007). The effect of attentional focus on social feet. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 45(10), 2326–2333. doi:10.1016/j.deviling.2007.03.014
3. Cooper, 1000. M., Hendrix, T., Stephens, Yard. D., Cala, J. Chiliad., Mahrer, Grand., Krieg, A., … Brownell, Southward. E. (2018). To be funny or non to be funny: Gender differences in pupil perceptions of instructor humor in college science courses. PLOS I, xiii(8), e0201258. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0201258

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Source: https://socialpronow.com/blog/i-dont-know-what-to-say/